Testimony

This spiritual journey has been joyful and revealing, but most of the days over the past four years (since my previous hospitalization and coma) have been tedious deterioration. What is left to me, currently, is an ability to stand up and shuffle across one small room before collapsing with severe shortness of breath. When able to walk to our patio, toilet, or my office, I slouch and gasp to breathe until stable enough to pee or write a few paragraphs. Only then is there an opportunity to enjoy the birds and plants growing among the weeds, or write a paragraph or two. Quickly, exhaustion sends me back to lie down.

There is no way to properly express the joy in my heart for what God does. At once accepting and rebelling against the consequences of sin and weakness, I am from the cross of Barabbas, replaced by Jesus in my stead! At the same time I am sympathetic to the sinner on the cross beside Jesus, who called out, “LORD! Remember me when you come into your kingdom.” (Luke 23)

None of many doctors know what is wrong. In concert, they and the physician’s assistants and nurses have done everything in their human power, driven by the Holy Spirit to preserve my life at least until the necessary resolution for Helen and my children, and the fullest sanctification allowed me.

It is now absolutely clear to me what thoroughness of joy has been given me throughout my life. There is no greater gift than to recognize that He alone has always been my full justification. 

The very words that describe me best are washed completely away. All of my savage will, and the gravest evils of my damned intentions — even recognizing my inexorable guilt, shame, and responsibility — fit perfectly with the “consequences” of His love and forgiveness. 

I need to return now to my sickbed, knowing that whether this is for the final time or the first of hundreds more over the coming decades, I am in His loving care as much as when my mother first held me in her arms.